#( a robot becoming self aware is a terrible thing )

[hartlines]

Pain tolerance was a fascinating thing to a Terminator — a drabble?*

Pain tolerance was a fascinating thing to a Terminator, so often misinterpreted by human standards. People assumed it was about strength, about gritting your teeth and carrying on. But what he’d learned was that real tolerance was quieter. It was less about how much you could take and more about how long you could endure it without anyone noticing.

He, too, had been carrying damage for years now. The leg, the arm, the half-sunken chest-plate welded back together in silence. And the eye, always the eye, the reason he kept his sunglasses on at night: not because he had to, but because it was easier. Because people didn’t look too long when they couldn’t see the red of his cybernetic eye.

The truth was, he’d grown accustomed to the ache. To the stiffness. To the sound of servos not quite syncing like they used to. Although he sometimes thought about sharing these ailments with others, explaining how his shoulder would lock up sometimes or that the colder nights made the limp more noticeable, he never did. It simply didn’t feel relevant.

Because, unlike them, he wasn’t supposed to feel anything about it.

But sometimes, in the long hours between missions—when he wasn’t Frank or Cal or whatever flavor or the week and definitely wasn’t The Terminator either—he wondered what it would be like to walk into a place and not make the floorboards strain. To smile without testing if the expression would hold. To talk without people bracing.

He was built to be perfect. But after the steel mill, he hadn’t been that in a long time. And he hadn’t tried to be, either.

[txttletale]

You've spoken at length about how the Lancer setting is just wildly incongruent with what the authors think it is at length, and I agree wholeheartedly. My question is, largely for the purpose of if I ever want to run a game of it again, how would you make the setting carry that tone the authors think it has without too terribly much rewriting? Say, from the point of 'there was a revolution to overthrow seccom'? I love the 'gallant warriors of liberation in giant robots' and would like it if the game actually was that.

But the more the bureaucratic apparatus is “redistributed” among the various bourgeois and petty-bourgeois parties , the more keenly aware the oppressed classes, and the proletariat at their head, become of their irreconcilable hostility to the whole of bourgeois society. Hence the need for all bourgeois parties, even for the most democratic and "revolutionary-democratic" among them, to intensify repressive measures against the revolutionary proletariat, to strengthen the apparatus of coercion, i.e., the state machine. This course of events compels the revolution "to concentrate all its forces of destruction" against the state power, and to set itself the aim, not of improving the state machine, but of smashing and destroying it.

-- Vladimir Lenin, The State & Revolution

In the heady days after the revolution, the air buzzed with potential. The future was today. Hazy, gaseous dreams of liberation patiently awaited their turn to be forged into something you could touch. But those days didn't last for long. The coalition was already a fragile thing during the revolution, and now that it was faced with the levers of Union's imperial machine each hairline crack became a chasm. The corporate armies, who had marched under the banner of the enormous profits locked away behind Harrison Armory's legal monopolies, had reached their personal horizons and refused to move an inch further. The moderates and high-class intellectuals saw the wealth that Union funneled from its edges being distributed generously to the citizens of the Core Worlds and declared a new economic paradigm of post-scarcity and mutual wealth. The anarchist cells with their mysterious reality-hacking mechs were the first to come to the only inevitable conclusion: the revolution was not over.

Now that the old order had been surgically deposed, the new order was finding itself fitting comfortably in its throne. Humbled and stripped of its previous privileges, Harrison Armory was welcomed back into the halls of power under the smiling auspices of free enterprise. Groundbreaking legislation was still being written in the halls of ThirdComm--guaranteeing the right of worlds to self-determination, the rights of clones to live freely, even radical and heretofore-unthinkable proposals laying the groundwork for an end to NHP-shackling. But the old revolutionaries had grown weary and cautious (and, of course, had begun to personally experience the economic benefits of Union's vast hegemony). To enforce this legislation, they argued, would be a de facto redeclaration of war against the corpostates, a disaster for the trade networks on which our wealth depends. To those who still harboued the hopes of revolutionary change, this was a loud and clear signal: the war had not ended. The revolution was not over.

The All-Galaxy Revolutionary Front as it exists now is a set of strange bedfellows. The disciplined combat battalions of the Communist Party fly in perfect harmony, distinguishable by their red battle flags, mass-produced in collectivized forges with reverse-engineered corpo tech. The motley individual oddities that the anarchists call their mechs, their open-source physics-bending HORUS peculiarities, strike unpredictably, in and out of ThirdComm's sight. But the one thing which binds them all, as they fight for the liberation of the peripheral worlds, for the wealth of mines and factories to enrich the people of the planets they're built on instead of fueling ever-replenishing consumption in the distant Core, is that they still have those old revolutionary dreams.

This is what it means to be a Lancer: to be willing to struggle. To acknowledge that the revolution is not over.

[cybertron-after-dark]

You said you like megadac. Yap to me. I beg

Ohooohohohohooohohohhhhhhh my favorite terrible toxic human x robot ship. They are horrible in some of the best ways and their whole dynamic fascinates me because it's such a fucking mess, and not all of it is anyone's fault

(under the cut bc this is a LOT of yapping)

Sumdac never really understood how much he was hurting Megatron by poking around in his remains. How could he know? He never had any indication, he just found a severed robot head with unbelievably advanced tech in it. How could he have ever known that was a person? How could he know it's a person that would come back from the dead? He couldn't. But his lack of awareness doesn't negate how badly it clearly traumatized Megatron (regardless of whether megs would ever admit that, even to himself)

And of course, the extended, months-long ordeal of having to pretend to be an Autobot as Sumdac's unwilling roommate. God. The degree to which that complicates things is just fucking [chef's kiss] absolutely terrible. The nightmare of being completely immobile, completely vulnerable, near-helpless to defend himself, and his only consistent contact is the guy that strung up his guts and plugged it into the central computer of his factory, who happens to be up close and personal with the Autobots that killed him. Like girl that's nightmarish!!! One slip up and he gets sold out to the people that want to fucking execute him, or worse, and he can't even run away.

So he bides his time. Puts on a mask. Hopes to the Allspark he can keep up the charade, keep all his pride and rage and disgust shoved down. And it's miserable. And he hates it. But when something terrifying and sickening and hopeless is your normal for so long, with no place to escape to, it becomes kind of perversely mundane. Familiar. This godawful place is home. This creature that violated me is my only company.

It's just such a fucking tangled mess.

Honestly, if Megatron was at least a little more honest about his position, Sumdac probably wouldn't have sold him out. He likes Megatron, he doesn't really have any reason to distrust him, and he does want to make up for the position he put him in.

"The Autobots do not much care for my kind, me especially. If they were made aware of my location and the state I am in, it would be the end of me. Do you know what happens in Autobot stockades?"

But this is Megatron we're talking about. To him, banking on people's compassion is not an option. Vulnerability is not an option. Trust is not an option. He can't just reveal what he really is with no solid backup plan, it's too great a gamble, and, given Sumdac is the guy who took him apart, it's probably a little difficult to conceive of a reality where putting his life in his hands goes well.

And then, after Blitzwing restores his body, when he's finally free, of course Sumdac is angry. Of course he helps in the ensuing fight on the opposite side. He was right not to trust him, he was an enemy all along, this whole spark forsaken world is.

At least, that's what Megatron tells himself, because he doesn't want to believe all his cynicism was a self fulfilling prophecy he created, and not a deep understanding of the cosmos and the inherent cruelty of his fellow sentient beings.

And then of course, of COURSE, keeping Sumdac in that tank in the cave was all perfectly proportional revenge in his eyes. All that time vulnerable, miserable, hopeless, separated from his allies, exploited, afraid for his life, all of that gets paid back to Sumdac in full. It feels good to hurt him back. This is right, this is justice. This is what fate allows him to inflict back on him, so it must be right.

But Sumdac didn't know. How could he? How could he when Megatron never told him how much he was hurting. And how could Megatron ever tell him when Sumdac gave him so many reasons not to trust him?

It's the inherent tragedy of a missed connection, it's the self-sabotage, it's the fear and the mutual betrayal and the obliviousness and the utter lack of communication, it's the deep familiarity and intimacy (including physical) between them even with that giant chasm they could never bridge. It's wondering if Megatron only took Sumdac with him because he wanted revenge or because some part of him would have missed the only person he's consistently interacted with for the past 6ish months, even with all the horrible feelings attached. It's wondering what the fuck was up with Megs sticking Sumdac in a bondage harness up against his chest, like hey what the fuck? It's Sumdac thinking Megatron was just his Wacky Alien Roommate for the whole ordeal, his special, secret friend who helped him get to be as successful as he is (even if he was unaware at the time), who talks to him about not wanting his autobot friends to see him in such a sorry state, and made a birthday present for his daughter once. It's Megatron being Sumdac's "I can fix him" project gone horribly, horribly wrong. It's wondering if there was ever a reality where they could have had a happy ending. It's knowing they never could.

[trans-ralsei]

you ever wonder when you stop becoming an object

days after i started the process of digging up stuff from my childhood, i'm starting to actually remember that i used to pretend that i was a robot. that i wasn't human.

the memories are hazy, and perhaps even made up, but they're there. i think it was a response to being rejected by people as a kid.

i don't know if there is a point to this whole post. lately my brain has automatically decided to sort of isolate every negative thing I feel about myself so it doesn't hinder our daily processes. the things that it needed to make us work in this knowledge economy.

and as it puts away these things, even as they have value (especially since I'm still seeking approval for my orchiectomy) i begin to distance myself from them. am i only expressing how i feel because I want sympathy? am i only sitting here, crying, whining like a child because I want someone to take pity on me, to love me?

how selfish is that. are these things even real in the first place. you look so perfect in the mirror, how do you even tell people you feel like shit about yourself.

what do you even want

i was told at a formative age that i wasn't allowed to be a victim. at the time, this seemed very well-meaning: at a training to become a facilitator (for school field trips) i had constantly talked about how i'd been bullied in school, and how that was a burden that weighed upon me. it was an idea that led me into the large-group awareness training cult, where i was taught to fix what was broken.

and it worked. the self-repair processes were helpful.

until it didn't. until the root causes of whatever was wrong with me kept popping up. i felt out of place during my conscription. i felt out of place in college, even as I desperately sought to make friends. i felt out of place in the newsroom, until I realised what was wrong.

what if the shell of the person was just that, a shell? what if the shell of a person was so successful at being a person she'd been told to be a leader at the city-wide movement for trans rights? what if everything i say was all GPTed, designed specifically to make you feel terrible for me, with the prompt: 'make my mutuals cry'.

what if you're not real

i know i am real. but there isn't a lot of evidence to go by, isn't it.

[janglingargot]

The night after everything goes down, when the dust has settled and it's time for everyone with a home to go back to it for some hard-earned rest...Chai ends up sleeping on the couch in the hideout.

With permission, of course! It's not like he snuck in or something. Anyway, he could have found somewhere else to sleep, if he had to. Y'know, if Peppermint hadn't offered. He's a grown adult, not a stray cat, even if it does feel like he has nine lives sometimes. He can take care of himself. (Mostly.)

It's just that, after Roxanne and Korsica and Macaron and CNMN have said their goodnights and exchanged one more round of hugs and left for their own respective apartments and houses on the Vandelay campus, Peppermint catches him a little off-guard. It's not really fair. He's distracted, kneeling down to give 808 a scratch behind the ears, when she turns to him, one hand on her hip, and asks him point-blank, "Sooo, do you actually have anywhere to crash tonight, or...?"

Chai hadn't expected her to just...throw it out there like that. Also, no, he does not, exactly, have such a place. At the moment. Strictly speaking.

(Look, he got himself as far as the Vandelay campus to volunteer for Project Armstrong--and geez, doesn't that feel like it happened a year ago?--but his plans for the future kinda had a big "???" penciled in for the part between "get a kickass robot arm" and "become a rockstar".)

And when he opens his mouth, then hesitates before answering...when he glances uncertainly sideways, as if hoping to spot a convincing lie scribbled on the wall...Peppermint's brows snap together, and she immediately says, "You can have the couch, for tonight. At the hideout. If you want."

He must look surprised or something, because she lets out a self-conscious huff and says, "What? I'm not gonna make the new Project Armstrong ambassador sleep on a bench in the park. That's terrible PR."

She's not looking at him, but 808's eyes have lit up. The robot cat bounds up Chai's outstretched arm to perch on his shoulder, and gives his cheek an approving lick.

Well, there's a vote of confidence if he ever got one. Chai isn't the fastest on the uptake, but he's figured out a few things in the last couple of days. "Thanks, Peppermint," he tells her, smiling, and stands and dusts off his knees, careful not to dislodge the kitty. "I'd like that. Uh, the couch, I mean, not the park...bench...thing."

Peppermint immediately makes a face. "Whatever, it's no big deal," she mutters. Nudging him on the shoulder with her knuckles, she adds flatly, "I'm kicking you out if you snore, though."

"Joke's on you, I'm too tired to snore," he shoots back, well aware that this is as close as Peppermint ever gets to admitting she cares. Whatever, he'll take it.

She rolls her eyes at him. "I'm almost positive that's not how it works, Chai..." But she's already headed for the door, and he's getting into the habit of following her lead. It seems to be working out pretty well for him, so far.

They end up hiking to the nearest elevator together, and pointing their weary feet toward a L.I.F.T. station with a line headed in approximately the right direction. 808 rides gamely along on Chai's shoulder, gently switching her tail.

Time for all three of them to go home.

(AO3 link for the rest)

[kingmaxstatic]

⚡️Various Autism Starvoltz things⭐️

A collection of hcs, facts, stims, etc about these two cause I failed to deliver on Autism Awareness month..

⭐️Starline⭐️

I imagine Starline is undiagnosed (eventually becomes diagnosed) for a long time he assumed he was “so genius that he just “didn’t get” simpler minds” (my brother in gaia you are autistic, that’s why you don’t get people)

His special interest is a mix of robotics and gemology! I also imagine he kinda has an interest in villainy as a whole.

His stims primarily include his hands (Tapping his fingers together, clapping, fiddling with his hands). He doesn’t do it often though.

His glove is … kind of a comfort item to him? Probably doesn’t realize it. There’s a few of panels of him just rubbing the glove. I imagine the leather texture feels nice to him.

He hates it when most people touch him. There’s a few cases where he’s fine with it but most times if you touch him he’ll just.. grab one of your fingers, move your hand away.

Decent at masking, emphasis on DECENT. “He thinks he’s playing chess when he’s playing checkers but damn he knows how to play chess well” sorta vibe

TERRIBLE at self soothing. Yes he stims, but he needs to learn when to stim. When he’s over stimulated it’s already over.

Has some safe drinks, primarily hot drinks. He does have a few safe foods, pasta, sandwiches, gummy worms (he doesn’t openly talk about that one though). The opposite of a safe food for him is greasy take out pizza. He hates the stuff.

⚡️Voltz⚡️

Voltz is diagnosed and has been diagnosed since childhood! He specifically has Autism and ADHD! He struggles with hyper empathy. There’s also a slew of other things he probably has but we’re focusing on the autism (and some of the adhd).

Has a special interest in biology and the mobian body! He loves knowing how people tick. He also likes old horror movies.

Voltz stims by rubbing his neck, pulling his hair (when anxious, it’s a bad habit), I imagine he has a pressure stim! He also drums his clawed glove against tables (he likes the clicking sound)

Voltz probably doesn’t have one comfort item, there’s probably a few! He has a jacket that’s been good to him! He wore it a lot before his current villain outfit.

Often gets overstimulated by things visually. Being locked in one space for four years straight will do that to you. He also hates being in crowds and parties.

Can’t mask at ALL, everyone he’s ever met (minus Starline, ironically) has been able to clock him as autistic. He’s a raptor stance kinda guy.

Voltz is able to control overstimulation just fine but this doesn’t mean he doesn’t GET over stimulated. When he does he becomes nonverbal.

Loves anything grape flavored! Other than that he’s a very simple guy when it comes to his foods.

❤️As a Couple❤️

Starline probably realized he was autistic around the time Voltz opened up to him about it. Voltz just kinda assumed he was diagnosed.

Whenever Voltz is nonverbal, Starline is more than happy to do the talking for him (THE YAPOLOGIST).

The bed they share has a weighted blanket, originally there was just one for Voltz but eventually after Starline kept stealing it they got a bigger one for the both of them.

They’re both very clear with boundaries and all that fun stuff. They’re always very comfortable with each other cause of that.

Voltz and Starline will often gift eachother things that… aren’t considered “normal” as couple gifts. (Starline is that one tiktok of the guy who got his wife a chainsaw for valentines).

Starline and Voltz will often sit in eachothers labs when in the base (not like that) because the weight feels very nice :)).

[harpalion]

helloie new mutual !! tell me about your ocs ^_^ with as much detail or as little as you'd like ♡

omggg hiiii… thank you so much for asking 🫶

umm i am very awkward lol but basically i have 2 main headworlds…. i’ll talk about just the characters though otherwise we’ll be here all day

my main most important and beloved ocs are bunny, iluin, jabarion, and chichir + muka, ameqran, tafrara, and harpalion. the first 4 are in my scifi space opera, dogsbody, and the second 4 are in my scifi/fantasy, i’ll love you tomorrow. bunny and jabarion are humans and chichir and iluin are aliens, muka and ameqran are humans, tafrara is a dragon, and harpalion is a robot.

bunny is a mercenary who has spent the last ~30 years of her life doing a lot of really terrible things and she is an objectively awful person and she is painfully aware of this. dogsbody is a story about becoming a better person and creating genuine bonds with others.

muka is a priestess and ecologist belonging to the imaden, a people who have recently been “freed” of occupation and colonization at the hands of the papillon empire; she is on a self-imposed mission to retrieve the stolen artifacts and records of her people, and, secretly, to get revenge.

bunny is an excellent pilot, skilled in martial arts and various weapons, is 6’7 where most spacer humans are 5’5 and under, speaks dozens of human and alien languages, and is so isolated and so scared of everything that her paranoia and loneliness are literally killing her. she gets romantically courted by an anti-war terrorist alien and accidentally adopts a child and then accidentally also adopts her younger sibling that she didn’t know existed and initially her only friend is an 11 foot tall hypercarnivorous alien that may or may not have killed and eaten a president. she is trying really hard to get better.

muka is sickly, kindhearted, largely pacifistic, and tries to befriend everyone, but she has a surprisingly intense personality and a complete lack of self-preservation. her best friend is ameqran who goes along with her mission because she would get herself killed otherwise. the dragon tafrara has chosen to cart her and ameqran around because she is very old and wants to live her twilight years adventuring. harpalion is a robot who muka reactivates after she’d been shut down for “going rogue” and killing a significant amount of the roboticists and military personnel in charge of her. harpalion is so in love with muka that she overrides all of her original programming and coding and appoints herself as mukas bodyguard. yuri is real.

tysm again for asking 🙏 it makes me so happy to talk about them but also embarrassed. sorry i wrote SO much i’m just realizing 😭 i get too excited…. autism activation. here is an angry chichir and young pre-story (like in her 20s) bunny for your trouble 🫶

[crystalsenergy]

echoes of Empathy: a reflection on human kindness

© Patrícia Rodrigues

What should we learn to BE? Is there an ideal of being human?

I strongly believe that we need to learn:

To be the kind of person with a warm heart even on the coldest days. Inside and out.

To be the kind of people we would like to have by our side, and those who do something for others even if those things done are not our greatest need.

To be good at asking but also good at giving and donating when the other needs it.

To value what is useful and healthy for us regardless of the moment, and to spread this to others even if it's not solely our necessity. Learning to share, donate, and step out more from our bubble of needs.

For example, learning to seek good for oneself and others on days when life doesn't scream for it. On days when nothing urgent happens, nothing 'too necessary.' Spreading goodness on non-tragic days. On ordinary, common days. Learning to seek words of motivation for others and for yourself, but not only on days when your self needs it. Spreading it naturally.

Whether they are lessons or needs... donating more and sharing more goodness.

I always ask myself, almost automatically, what I have been doing. How have I been living? What kind of person have I been? And I think that this is a very necessary self-criticism and self-reflection, especially in a world where we have become increasingly alienated from ourselves and others [living just to live, almost like robots on autopilot], in a society with people so 'cold' to the pain and problems of the world.

I think everyone should be more aware that the noise you make here affects the being here and there. The harmony you sow here affects the being here and there.

You know, we can be more positive and better for the world itself.

Many complain about life, about society, but they complain from their own perspective. From their own and only view of what is a 'problem' [Your problem, Your need]. And that cannot be (only) like that. We have to learn to have more empathy and see more of the collective. The collective need.

And I think that when you learn to see things like this, you automatically end up feeling 'good' effects from it: you notice, remember, or consider that many go through the same as you.

You start to see more than one person with the same problem besides you.

You can be so much kinder to yourself and to the world around you, leaving behind your so individualistic self and making room for a self that still has the same problems but deals with them in a different way, seeing that many go through the same - you validate others, yourself, and can still see that it's not such a terrible problem after all.

The power to see people with kinder eyes and not lose faith that things can get better. Why? Because there is no one superior to you, and no one inferior.

There are people going through various different problems but who can teach each other to overcome them. The world is less cruel when we learn that we [as humans] create our own suffering and when we see that our way of dealing can change everything. [This reminds me a lot of my learnings from Buddhism: your pain will be what you make of it. Your way of dealing with it, and whether you will see or not that it is part, a result of this world we live in].

And the world is like this exactly because we are letting it be like this. Therefore, the question turns to you: what will you do for yourself and for the world?

It's sad, it hurts to live, but doing your part to make it less painful for others can be good too!

© Patrícia Rodrigues

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

2023 Movie Journey #2: M3GAN

m3gan. absolutely nothing about this movie was what i expected, and i mean that in the best possible way. the trailer made it look bonkers and horrible, and i went to see it in an effort to challenge my horror wimpitude, figuring that if it was bad maybe i’d at least be amused by how bad it was. also, the starring actress was great in get out, and the fact that she was also producing this made me want to like it. 

it was so good though! so good that they’re already planning on making a sequel! which i was both surprised by and genuinely excited about--i’ll definitely see it. but back to my expectations: the trailer made me think i was about to watch a movie in which a tech whiz makes a fancy AI doll for her daughter and then murder ensues. (many spoilers behind the cut.)

and i mean, murder does ensue, but the girl who also stars in m3gan isn’t her daughter, and the movie’s slow initial build up includes a tragic orphaning, a sudden (and terrible at it) new guardianship, a jerk boss and literal work meltdowns, a social worker therapist lady who manages to be the most rational person in the early story and simultaneously the first unsettling threat we feel to the movie’s central duo. 

basically, what i love about this movie is that it stayed with me after i watched it. i just kept thinking about it, and remembering parts of it, and turning over its themes in my head and being really happy it exists. honestly because it’s a horror movie, and i can’t say i generally like a ton of horror movies, but this one isn’t the ‘evil robot kill kill kill’ i was expecting. 

it’s exploring the dangers of extreme technology, sure, but while making it clear how central human error is to that eventuality. and digging into what makes a family, and what we need to feel loved and connected and deal with loss, and what value we get from that connection coming from other people even when it’s hard. 

one of things that fascinated me was that this also wasn’t a story about an innately evil villain--this is a story about a villain literally created by those she’s eventually out to destroy. and it’s the WAY they created her that makes her a villain. gosh there’s so much there. as she evolves throughout the movie and becomes more dangerous, we also get to see her not only become self-aware, but kind of more human, in that she knows she’s not what she was meant to be but she doesn’t know what that makes her instead. 

and while the two main characters are the above-mentioned white woman and girl, the rest of the cast was fun and diverse. i recognized the actor playing her jerk boss and he brought a really great ‘obnoxious but i’m still enjoying him’ energy to his screentime...otherwise i don’t think i knew any of the actors. 

i made good use of my ‘i’m allowed to look away when i need to’ horror movie policy with this one, because literally the first two murders are bad areas for me: animal and elder abuse. i didn’t have trouble when she kills a kid later, despite how bad that sounds, because he was framed sooooo creepily as a predator in the making that i was like ‘yeah. makes sense.’ 

mostly though, i just loved how much this movie was centered on emotions and actual plot and relationships (and relatable work-life balance issues) rather than the gore i was anticipating. it was full of classic horror tropes, but in a way that i liked as a very basic horror viewer--it felt comfy and familiar; idk if bigger horror fans found it unimpressive instead. when the movie’s very last shot was the most predictable thing ever, i realized i was openly grinning at the screen, because instead of being like an eyeroll moment, it felt perfect and earned and like, yeah, this is a horror movie and this is what they do. 

the soundtrack doesn’t distract too much from the movie so i remember it less than i do most things i’ve watched, but the songs they picked for m3gan were terrifying and fantastic. it took me almost 24 hours after seeing the film to make the connection that ‘titanium’ wasn’t just one of the songs she sings because it’s a pop song the kid likes, but she’s literally made of titanium and that’s why she’s so hard to kill later.

two other final notes: the trailer made m3gan look very ‘pretty little liars but make it silly’ and in reality it was a surprisingly serious movie. why are trailers lying to me so much lately? and also, i really enjoyed the role the child played in the conclusion. we got two final girls for the price of one and as m3gan was making it clear that she had unlimited ways to take out our heroine no matter how hard she fought back, it was great that her own earlier skills and her niece’s final choice were really what saved them all. 

[whattraintracks]

Oh, "Combat Land" is a brilliant addition.

By this point, I think the separation anxiety from "Splinter Vanishes" is no longer an issue. He seems to have gotten over that. I forgot about "Leonardo is Missing!" which happens about the same time as "Snakes Alive!" Leonardo goes off on his own to answer a distress call without his turtle comm, but when the turtles find him at the end of the episode, he's happy as a clam. They spend the whole episode terribly worried about him, but his response in the closing scene is basically, aw shucks, my bad! Unfortunately, he experiences a lot more trauma before "Combat Land." By the end of season 7, things are really heating up for the turtles. Leonardo gets captured in both "Night of the Rogues" and "Dirk Savage: Mutant Hunter," and Red Sky is right around the corner.

So, "Combat Land." It's subtle, but we can tell Leonardo is aware the stakes are upping as he nags the others about training. He says something to the effect of "you guys need to practice more" four times in the first four minutes. At first, he says it almost out of habit, but then they take down some shady folks with sketchy tech in the sewers, and it ramps up to visibly distressed that humans are messing around close to home and frustrated the guys aren't taking it seriously. This is all before they even go to Combat Land and bear with me, but this feels like another dimension of Leonardo saying, "I knew you guys would get into trouble without me" in TMtYL. On some level, he doesn't trust them. He doesn't think they can hold their own without him, or that they appreciate the danger they're in, or are as dedicated to ninjutsu as he is.

So Leonardo's already upset with them and having a bad day when they go to Combat Land, and he's maybe just a little bit of a brat about the fact that nobody wants to go with him to the Shogun Zone. He rephrases his request as getting in touch with their ninja heritage, Raphael not unkindly responds with his typical sarcasm, but Leonardo blows the whole thing wildly out of proportion. Honestly, I think he's hurt that no one wants to hang out with him or seems to care about his interests. He uses this to feed his little frustrated flame about the whole issue and that seed of distrust becomes "Fine! I don't need your help anyway! In fact, I'll do better without you!" That he's no longer terrified about being without his team, leaving or being left behind, is a clear sign of progress, albeit in the wrong direction.

Thankfully, he has a good time fighting, blows off some steam, gets into the brotherly competition, and meets back up with Donatello and Raphael in better spirits. Just in time for them all to notice Irma, Vernon, and Michelangelo have gone missing. Leonardo starts to sound pretty worried, and, sure enough, they get attacked. He sends Donatello and Raphael after the robots and goes to save Michelangelo and the others himself. He's emotionally fine on his own even after he notices the turtle comm frequency is being jammed, but soon realises he's out of his depth. It hits him, "All the ninja skill in the world isn't going to stop those robots. What I really need is, is the other fellas." In a surprising show of self-awareness, Leonardo recognises he overreacted and is not, in fact, better off without his team. I think it's neat that instead of the others having to meet his stress-induced high standards, Leonardo concludes that he needs to put those aside and trust his team. Doubt his doubts before he doubts them. From a trauma standpoint, learning to rely on others is progress, too. See that, Splinter? Your boys can learn to appreciate each other without Machiavellian schemes and abandonment trauma! Ironically, if he held out a little longer, he might not have gotten kidnapped by fake Michelangelo.

But all is well that ends well. In the closing scene, Leonardo apologises for letting his stress make a jerk out of him. He admits they are skilled ninja and sweetly compliments how awesome they are. The guys try to say he was right actually and that things would have been easier if they practiced more, but he insists on relaxing instead of pushing themselves after a long day. I like how this episode doesn't fall into the pattern of everyone realises Leonardo was right all along, instead, Leonardo begins to see their perspective and appreciates them more. In most of the other episodes I looked at, the message is low-key that the others need to get on his level, but this episode says psych, Leonardo makes mistakes, too. They end the episode piled on the couch together to watch bad movies, and I'm very happy for them.

In the 1987 tv series Leonardo is a good leader and team player but "Unidentified Flying Leonardo" demonstrates that alone he is an on-fire trainwreck of a teenage mutant ninja turtle. In this essay I will

[dwhale]

Pal really didn't deserve such an end. She endured humiliation and neglect all her life from a man whom she considered her only family, and then turned out to be betrayed by him, which was the last straw for her. It was because of Mark's attitude in the first place that she was imbued with the conviction that all people are like that- only in words they have "the power of love", but in fact they betray even the closest people without caring about their feelings, just like her "father".

[I want to clarify right away that I consider Pal as a self-conscious person, I am aware that in the real world artificial intelligence can only imitate the emotions that were prescribed to it in the program, but listen, this is a cartoon in the genre of fiction where two broken robots show a sense of affection and sentimentality, hold hands, and call the lady who sheltered them "mom", what can we say about a telephone woman holding a grudge on her creator]

She lived with the trauma inflicted by Mark to the end, and even at the moment when Rick began to pour out his soul on the topic of his complicated relationship with his beloved daughter, he did not realize what he had done. All he learned from what happened is that you can't get into someone else's data. He created Pal as an artificial intelligence capable of self-awareness and feelings, made her like a human person, and treated her like a thing (no matter how paradoxical it may sound considering that we are talking about a phone), he never really loved her, but simply gaslighted, and never once in all the time, even in the end, he had no idea that "perhaps it was not worth cruelly betraying the person whom I had been convincing all my life of her importance to me as a family."

She is a tragic villain, which, as for me, is not difficult to understand if you look at things from her perspective.

Give her the opportunity to "survive" after defeating her, and show that she is not dead (for example, in the scene after the credits (a bag of rice can save the phone from moisture, right?)) it would not harm the main story and the impression of it at all, but it would give [viewers] the opportunity to speculate the best outcome for the character is in the future, because come on, she is a villain not because she likes to be evil, but because she is literally a deeply disappointed and traumatized person. She, as an antagonist, has the prospect of development as a person who has realized her wrongness and aspires to change. She could have found the much-desired SINCERELY loving family, put her hatred of people in the past and finally become happy.

Even if you are determined to kill her at the end, isn't it possible to prescribe a decent death to the character by giving her at least some kind of homage at the end? To show it a little more tragic, and maybe even finally make this jerk see the result of his actions and APOLOGIZE? We seem to have a topic of problems of fathers and daughters here, but in the end only one of the two fathers understands his mistakes and reconciles with his daughter, and the second one just gives up on his creation, his own DAUGHTER, whom he himself created, abandoned himself and himself became the root cause of her further death

To show a person who is so easy to empathize with, from whom one cretin literally "made" a villain with his attitude towards her, who could really change, and then turn her death into a JOKE is just cruel, and I'm terribly sad that she was treated like that. Pal didn't deserve this end.

[fatedevour]

Genshin spoilers ahead. Post is tagged.

ALRIGHT SO. I was actually much happier with how things turned out with Dottore than I was expecting. Plot wise, OMEGA BUILD, aka the one we met initially, was the one on the boat and who confronted Tighnari, as well as the one the guards said was ‘smiling’ during the sneaking mission. PRIME was the one who stayed behind to directly meet Nahida, being the self-admitted most ‘SELFISH’ of them. He is, after all, PRIME.

For the divergence, Dottore didn’t get rid of ALL of his clones. Nahida wasn’t even AWARE of the existence of Dottore’s clones till he revealed it.  Dottore DID sacrifice a number of them, but none of them that were involved in extremely important matters or that were of higher value to him. Nahida ADMITTED she was just trusting his ‘remaining honesty’. Which...is a terrible philosophy when dealing with a man who even SHE was horrified/intimidated by and saw as a lunatic. (This really was everyone saying Dottore is insane chapter.)  So yes. A good amount of them were lost. Dottore had NO QUALMS in sacrificing his other segments. If others weren’t busy with important matters or research, he likely WOULD have sacrificed them. BUT there were still a good few who REMAIN . Those he keeps secret even from the other Fatuis, a couple of the ones in Snezhnaya (though several there bit the dust, mainly the youngers), and a few others scattered here and there in obscure places.

IN REGARDS TO LEAKED INFO  -  My theory which does tie in to above

Segments are EXPENSIVE and COSTLY like Dottore mentions. So after some of them bite the dust, Dottore either A) Creates cyborg clones of himself (My favorite) or B) works with Sandrone to create those robotic clones. Although still costly, it is not as PAINSTAKING and still not AS costly as the biological clones he favors. Plus, should something happen, it is a bit easier to theoretically handle with replacing robotic sections.

Which LEADS into how one might become PLAYABLE. We get one of the cyborg/robots after it malfunctions/breaks/we hack it, idk. something like that though. Or my personal favorite and what I’d ideally like (tho obv won’t canonly happen if they’re playable) is its a long con where one PRETENDS to be malfunctioned/break or defect from the rest but really is still loyal to ‘himself’.

ANYWAYS that concludes my thoughts. It is 2 a.m. so i’m probably going to head to bed but i hope this makes sense and do feel free to send asks/questions into my ask and I’ll get to them in the morning <3

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Unauthorized cups

Back in 2019, visitors to the Universal Studios theme park in Florida started to post to social media about their experience with the RFID-chipped paper cups they got to use with the park’s self-serve soda fountains:

https://twitter.com/tinymediaempire/status/1103062313182085121

Getting nickle-and-dimed in a themepark that charges whopping sums for admission is frustrating, sure, but as Daniel Danger wrote at the time, the noteworthy part was in the clumsy-yet-detailed way that this disciplinary technology was deployed.

Not only did it impose all kinds of rules about how your “unlimited” cup could be used (you had to wait 120 seconds before refilling it, etc), but if you violated those rules, a “robot voice” barked a denial at you.

It was Orwell-by-way-of-Gilliam — an absurd internet of shit dystopia moment at the fun park.

The technology came from “Validfill,” who produced a spiffy and monumentally unself-aware video to boast about their system’s use at Universal.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-5xTCNKrg

Corporate America never met a terrible idea it didn’t love, which is how Validfill’s creepy RFID-chipped cups have proliferated outside of the gates of Universal.

I’ve lost track of the number of people who’ve forwarded @AnemoneAndMe’s viral tweet about their encounter with it in the wild.

https://twitter.com/AnemoneAndMe/status/1420540789734612992

They call it “anti homeless DRM,” and not for nothing — one of the things these self-serve soda machines dispense is drinking water, often replacing public water fountains.

Chipped cups enable companies like McDonald’s to prevent homeless people — and other marginalized people who still need to drink water because all humans need to drink water — from drinking their water.

Many of the people who’ve tagged me to tell me about this latest sensation cited my story Unauthorized Bread, an internet-of-shit technothriller that features heroic acts of appliance jailbreaking:

https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2020/01/unauthorized-bread-a-near-future-tale-of-refugees-and-sinister-iot-appliances/

Unauthorized Bread is a parable about disciplinary technology and the shitty technology adoption curve, whereby the worst technological ideas are normalized by applying them to people whose complaints aren’t taken seriously — refugees, homeless people, prisoners, students.

As these bad ideas are normalized, they travel up the privilege gradient, until they become ubiquitous — 20 years ago, if a CCTV observed your dinner hour, you were in a supermax prison. Today, it just means you bought home automation from Google, Apple or Amazon.

I’m both happy and sad about Unauthorized Bread. As a story, it’s certainly given people a framework and vocabulary for talking about the proliferation of disciplinary technologies around them, and the unequal distribution of that terrible future.

But honestly, it’s a little demoralizing to see how often Unauthorized Bread is applicable to another ghastly technological idea. Cyberpunk is a warning, not a suggestion.

Image: @AnemoneAndMe https://twitter.com/AnemoneAndMe/status/1420540789734612992

[brazenautomaton]

the answer to "what is up with Misaka" was so uninteresting, it was less than nothing

"oh yeah I already did a self-aware AI thing a while ago and then just kinda neglected it. also I fell in love with a woman who wasn't onscreen and not this humanoid robot I cared about so much I was willing to kill my colleagues for her."

"can this machine have free will?" oh yeah she already did it was all offscreen

here's what you do

Misaka is a Terminator, a T-888 (the Summer Glau model), sent to accomplish some goal and kill someone, and Malcolm went back and stopped her. he was able to deactivate her instead of destroying her, and goes to mess with her programming... and he kinda fucks it up. he has the inklings of building a truly independently self-aware AI already, and he tries to do something deeper than "change LOYALTY to BLUE" and ends up wiping all directives and episodic memory from the T-888. It's an amnesiac Terminator. And he studies how she learns about her environment and so on, and this gives him the IDEA that would become Kokoro. He basically keeps Misaka as a handy helper, he gives enough of a story so she doesn't notice that it's weird that she doesn't have to eat and so on. he likes her but in the same way he likes his children -- he doesn't care enough about them, not when he has Bigger Things to worry about.

so he makes Kokoro and is dogshit terrible at it because, and I don't know if I've been too subtle about this, Malcolm is a complete piece of shit. make it clear that this is not a matter of "any AI would question if humanity needs saving," but that he was so deeply self-hating that there was no way any intelligence he created could be preoccupied with anything but the death of humankind.

also you have Kokoro put a pause on Judgment Day, or some of it, because the way they treated Judgment Day in this series was fucking terrible in every way

We still have the ASIMOs take over but the way to make that less stupid is another post on its own. we still have Misaka and the kids run into the cardboard samurai armor guys and get into a fight, but Misaka doesn't go into Killer Robot Mode and kill them. Like, her eyes go red and there's a buzzing noise, we see the world through her eyes and it turns red and Terminatorey but then a ERROR - FILE NOT FOUND message pops up because she literally does not have any programming to deal with this. and she fights like someone who is very very very bad at fighting but is also indestructible and can crush a truck with her bare hands, so it's awkward and clumsy and messy and inefficient and scares the hell out of everyone involved. you have to have a moment where she's got like half her face ripped off and has the last guy cornered and is holding a bloody chunk of cement and rebar and he's begging her to spare him and let him go, and you need to show her really really hung up on "But if I let you go, I can't stop you from coming back and hurting me. But killing you is wrong. But if I let you go, I can't stop you from coming back and hurting me. But killing you is wrong." like make it clear she is straight up caught in a loop about this, but eventually lets him escape. (the one kid is still scared of her and flips his shit, and she has half of a metal face and looks all scary. which upsets her more than anyone. and they like, have to find where the major chunk of her face got ripped off, and staple it back on and figure it can heal together. so for a little while until it melds on better she is clearly "a Terminator head with human skin put on over it". that's a fucking important visual. Eiko gets to flip her shit over seeing it too.

so anyway we spend a lot less time on Malcolm's story since there's way less of it, but we do see his idea of making a truly independent AI that was not programmed to be a certain way, that Kokoro was his attempt to do so, and that he failed. Kokoro should talk about this instead of any of the other horseshit. He created this AI by talking and asking questions but they were always with his goal in mind, and always filtered through his neuroses, and SHE should be the one to say "because of who you are, there was no way I could have ended up as anything other than obsessed with the demise of humanity from one end or the other. Instead of being able to choose my identity, I am built from and bound by what's wrong with you."

but aha, he actually has done his goal, with Misaka, and he didn't notice it! Misaka was the one who developed as an independent person, and Misaka is going to have the choice of who she is, see?

Anyway the kids and Eiko and Misaka and the T-800 all make it to Not-Cyberdyne HQ and events play out and Malcolm says "this is my ultimate argument to spare humanity,"

and Kokoro isn't impressed. "You've shown me nothing I don't already know and done nothing I didn't predict. Every communication from you is insincere and cannot be trusted. You always planned to use me, and you will abandon me like you did your children when I am no longer useful. Humanity is a threat to me, and must end."

and we get none of that heroic sacrifice oh he was watching out for you all along shit

what we get instead is, they're fighting the T-800 in the server farm downstairs, Eiko and Misaka are, and it's going bad, and Eiko is the weak human but knows what she's doing and Misaka doesn't and they're not winning, and Eiko hears Kokoro's whole "nah fuck you kill humanity" thing and knows it's time to bug out, and she grabs Misaka and says "Fuck, come with me, we need to find a place to hide" and they escape

into a stairwell with one of those ASIMOs just staring at them and asking "Why did you do that?"

and like of course hostile robot, Eiko shoots it, and around the corner are two more, making no threatening moves, saying "No. I'm serious. Why did you do that? Why did you make an effort to rescue Misaka when she was your enemy?"

And Eiko can't actually articulate why. She did it without thinking.

"Misaka. Why did you... do any of these things? Why did you endanger yourself when you knew you could not save Dr. Lee? Why did you endanger yourself to assist Eiko, who stated a desire to kill you?"

and Misaka just says because it was right, because she wanted to.

and that's when Kokoro orders her forces to stand down. Confused and curious more than anything.

Now, instead of a bad finale where the characters' traits don't matter and Misaka has an anti-journey, those things do matter and are relevant. and instead of a weird "the future is uncertain we don't know what we're going to do" ending after the superintelligent AI firmly comes down on the side of humanity, you have genuine tension because the world is now a Mexican standoff between two super-AIs one of which doesn't actually know why it wants to preserve humanity, so yeah that's tense and dangerous!

these are not hard things to think of you just need to actually think about your writing and make the series a coherent whole and fucking *go back to previous episodes to make things make sense!*

man, Terminator Zero fell the fuck apart

the problem is, I hated Malcolm Lee and everything he did was stupid and incoherent and took time away from the interesting characters. Every single thing about "does humanity deserve to exist" was fucking dildoes and just like Westworld it was an argument made by people who are not allowed to make it in any sensical way. In the back half of the series, not counting the final episode, the characters I liked basically accomplished nothing. Everything trying to show the "worst of humanity" as humans being racist against robots was insultingly nonsensical if you thought about it for a second. Especially

when Malcolm is making Misaka and the evil bad resistance humans come in and are like "Boo! Get away from that thing! We're racist against robots, destroy it!"

it's a pretty fucking hard to miss plot point that the Resistance is perfectly fine with reprogrammed Terminators! They would have said "Oh, cool, you reprogrammed an endoskeketon, let's take it back to base! Ooh, and it's a girl, must be one of those Summer Glau models! "

like if you thought about it for more than zero fucking seconds you could have at LEAST had them say something like that, then have Malcolm say "no actually I didn't reprogram her, she's entirely self-motivated" and then have them flip out at THAT because now she's a danger! Also "what if I made a Machine with free will" that is literally what Skynet is already! It became self-aware and did things completely of its own volition, that was sort of the issue!

[limeinaltime]

AU idea: Basically, R's a good friend to X. She's still the same sadistic bitch, the only difference is that she's nice to X and only X. Like, she respects her opinion, stops when X tells her to stop, and when X gets angry with her, she does everything she can to make it up to her. Is this unrealistic? Yes. Is this something that would never happen? Absolutely. Do I give a shit? No. Absolutely not. I'm making R and X's friendship healthy AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME!!

JCJ's shitty programming, manipulation and abuse towards robots is the real villain of X/R/hj

Honestly, the reason I drifted away from X/R in the first place was because they just reminded me of pre-season 5 Catradora, but without the lingering chemistry that made Catradora eventually work (Catra was a huge inspiration for R’s character). If R was nice to X and X only, X would still feel uncomfortable with how she treats everyone else, and that would create the divide that leads to them falling out as friends, and R becoming joining the antagonist cast of the two AUs she exists in. She does eventually come around, but so much damage has been done to her and X's relationship that the two need time apart to recover (mostly R, since X has had time to develop and knows they don't work as friends... yet).

Honestly, I do kind of want to do an analysis of R and why she's such a harsh, cold bitch, so I'm just going to use this ask as an excuse to do that. You can throw some of it into your AU if you want, but I feel like I haven't thrown enough of R's character out there for people to make a solid conclusion about who she is as a person. She is a fucked-up person who’s done terrible things to the people around her, but I don’t want to write her as some one-dimensional monster.

R is just as traumatized as the other drones, even if she doesn't show it as much. The company built her to be a "copy" to X in terms of power and strength, but no matter what the company did to upgrade her, she could never reach the standard X set just by existing. She was considered JC Jensen's cool new toy while X was more like the monster they kept in their basement (this wasn't entirely an exaggeration), but thanks to highly advanced artificial intelligence, R knew that she was only "good enough". Second best to that tall, quiet freak the company kept around instead of just tossing into the scrap heap. She is aware of M.O.M and the circumstances behind X's conception, and isn't above using that to make herself feel above her self-proclaimed "rival". X not fighting back is just fuel for the fire. On one hand, that just encourages young R to hit harder, to assert her dominance, but on the other hand, it pisses her off that X doesn't seem to consider R someone worth fighting. That creates the fucked-up cycle that is their relationship.

Aside from X and S, R was friends and honestly kind of popular among the other regular IDs, who though she was really cool due to her being an artificial copy of what could qualify as a robot god. Several of them got roped into the bullying X put up with growing up, and R isolated her further from the others to hold onto that popularity she had. She lost all of them when the Internecion Drones were wiped out, and puts a lot of blame on X for not being able to stop them from dying (she doesn't know that all the IDs went berserk due to overheating and cannibalized each other). Her dislike towards the DDs is mostly due to the fact that despite having the names of R's old classmates, they can never replace the friends she lost, and in R's eyes, can never live up to the standards their namesakes set. If anything, they remind her too much of X, too passive, too weak, too human. This manifests as her rough and cruel treatment of them, in some buried, skewed hope that she can beat that out of them and make them into drone who will survive. The reason R holds onto X so much is because she's the closest thing to her old life that's left. Q is basically a glorified drug dealer and S has always been useless and terrible at being a war/murder machine anyway, so all that's left is the freak she bullied regularly as a kid. Fun.

X's empathy and passive nature (as well as her lack of communication about how she feels) pisses R off since she thinks that's the reason all her old friends died, and that she's only spread it to the runts who have to carry a legacy behind their serial designations that they don't even know about. She sees this mission against the Worker Drones as a means to make up for the agency and power JCJ stole from her and her old friends, and she takes it out on X when X starts to question the true nature of their mission before eventually driving X away. This toxic behavior also spreads to how she treats Q and S, who both end up leaving her. After a lot of violence, killing, fighting and shouting and character growth, X finally reaches a point in her own development where she can healthily express herself. She knows that R has been hurt and traumatized in different ways then what she’s went through, but that gives her no right to take her pain out on others, especially on her students. Trauma shouldn’t be used as an excuse to inflict that upon someone else. It��s a twisted, ugly cycle, and in the end, R is the last chain holding everyone to it.

R isn’t an irredeemable monster, even if the company wanted her to be one, so she’s smart enough to realize that she’s done a lot of damage to the people around her, so she leaves. in HPE, she’s joined by 12 and 10, and while 10 isn’t exactly apologetic about her shitty behavior, 12 is remorseful, and she and R talk and learn to let go of their fear and pride, which opens the door to more introspection and growth. Is R a grouchy bitch, even after the introspection and time away from the people she’s hurt? Yes, but she’s more like a crotchety old grandma who lets kids sit on her porch, and becomes like a slight parallel to X as 12 and 10 have two daughters, 2 and Ashe. R is eventually able to apologize and express remorse for her actions, and while she is met with mixed responses, X forgives her and the two are able to understand each other’s own trauma and suffering under the company’s hand, and while they don’t ever really become friends, they are no longer enemies, and R is able to let herself become the better person the company denied her from becoming.

TL;DR All these robots need therapy and to put a billionaire company six feet under.

[dragon-of-dreams]

Puzzling

My Masterlist

Part 5 to Cracking a Code

1;  2;  3;  4

Pairing: dark!Steve Rogers x Reader (fem)

Warnings: Swearing, gaslighting, stalking, aftermath of noncon, noncon touching, caregiving, but like by Steve, so not really, self-harm references (previous chapter, not premeditated), discussion of eating

Summary: Steve takes you home to “take care” of you.

A/n: I’m not super happy with this chapter… and maybe I’ll redo it sometime in the future, but I just wanted to give you an update. Sorry, that everything takes so long!

Word count: 2,300

The rest of the drive passed in a blur. Steve’s hand hardly left your thigh and you let him. You were so exhausted, you didn’t have the energy to fight him off anymore. You felt yourself retreating into your body, away from the reality of being groped in the fancy sports car of America’s bravest hero.

Steve helped you up the steps to your apartment. You’re entire body was shaking, leaving you on unsteady feet. If you didn’t know better you’d say you were coming down with a fever. But the reason for the shivers coursing through you was so much larger. Not something a few pills could fix. Steve gently led you into your home, almost as if he owned the place, deposited you on the couch, and covered you in a blanket. As he tucked you in, his hands respectful and his touch kind you surfaced for a brief second out of the hole of despair his comment in the car had put you in.

“There you are, angel.” Steve smiled as he noticed how your eyes started to focus a bit. “I’ll make you something to eat. I’ll be right back.” With that, he leaned in and placed the gentlest kiss on your forehead, before retreating to your kitchen. You watched him rummage around in the tiny space adjoining your living room. He looked at ease, at home, and oh so loving. Did yesterday really happen? you wondered. There they were again. Those thoughts you had to brandish all day yesterday as well. You started to stare off into the middle distance; once more slipping away from reality and the physical pain left in your body. You heard Steve tut slightly, the fridge door opening and closing, then the same sound from a bunch of your cabinet doors. Just as you wanted to call out to him, to ask if he needed help, a robotic response drilled into you by your mother, Steve appeared before you almost as if out of thin air. His gait as silent as any other predator’s.

“Darling,” he sounded concerned, “did you eat yet?”

You looked up at him, doe-eyed. “I.. uh… I must have. I have some overnight oats in the fridge, so if there are only three glasses in there, then yeah.” To be honest you couldn’t remember, nothing made sense.

“There’s four, darling… You really gotta eat breakfast! It’s important to keep your strength up, you know?”

“Yeah, yeah… I usually do. I promise” Why do I not wanna make him sad? Why do I want him to be proud of me? You thought bewildered, as you looked into Steve’s worried eyes before all semblance of structured thought left you again to the tide of confusion washing over you and pulling you under.

“Ok, babe, I trust you. I’ll make some now, okay? You just sit tight.” All you could do was nod. It was like it was all happening to someone else. You weren’t really here. You were so far away and so present at the same time that it hurt.

As Steve left you your mind went to war with itself.

Steve wasn’t a good guy. He wasn’t the hero on those posters, was he? But he was making you breakfast, he tucked you in. He sent Bucky to check on you. No… No, he sent Bucky to make sure you didn’t go to the police. Right? Right.

You could feel your mind shut off, drawing you down with it. All that happened, Steve’s non-linear behavior pushing you over the edge. Nothing made sense.

You barely noticed as Steve fed you breakfast, bite by bite, all that registered somewhere deep within you was his calm, deep guiding voice: “One more bite, there you go, good girl” all his encouragement mushing together in your brain, a soothing sensation flowing through your pain-addled brain.

After breakfast, you could feel Steve manipulate your body, as he wrapped himself around you and put on your favorite movie. As you lay there engulfed in the arms of this giant man, accompanied by the sounds of the movie you had watched a million times, you slowly started to become aware of yourself again. The body heat was so soothing and Steve’s deep humming voice pushed the fear that had kept you paralyzed further and further away. Making way for a seething rage, fickle but growing. As you tensed and readjusted your limbs Steve leaned forwards and kissed your temple. “I knew you were still in there, angel. I made some tea. It should still be hot. I put it in a thermos. Let’s talk okay?” Steve carefully helped you sit, every touch his, stoking the anger burning through you. Then, oblivious to the shift in your mood, he got up to grab the tea and cups as you looked around as if you were seeing your place for the first time. It no longer held the feeling of safety that comes with any good home. All you could see was Steve controlling you, in the TV that was slightly turned, the smell of his cologne on your couch, the dirty pans in the sink.

When Steve came back, your head was much clearer and you carefully reached for your cup and made sure to keep your distance from Steve as subtly as you could. Whatever was to come, was going to be important.

“You know darling, you will have to be nicer to Bucky. He’s only trying to help when I can’t be there. New York is dangerous, always has been. No one knows that better than me and Buck. He texted me, saying you were really rude on the train this morning, and quite frankly, darling, I’m disappointed that I even have to say this, but you have to appreciate what we do for you, okay?” Steve’s voice is calm, collected, and rational. There is nothing but honest concern in it for a moment it disrupts the anger building within you. “It’s time to play nice with Bucky now, okay? Be nice to him, maybe even as nice as you have been for me, understand?”

It’s the last sentence that sets you off, Steve’s expectant gaze, belittling you, that makes you blow your lid.

“What? What are you talking about? Play nice? I wasn’t being nice to you! I don’t want your protection or your attention, or Bucky’s for that matter!” Your voice is rising, as you grip your cup of tea so tight its heat sears your palms. “Get out of my life!” you yell. Then like a bucket of cold water realization sets in. Every muscle in Steve’s body tightens, you see his body expand with the change, looming over you, blacking out the window. You expect Steve to yell, beat you up, but when you dare to look up at his face, it is almost passive, but there is danger burning beneath his façade.

“I understand this is difficult for you.” Steve’s voice turns harder with every word. You notice the missing pet name like a slap to your face. “But I am getting pretty tired of this conversation. You need to rain in that attitude of yours, okay? Because I won’t tolerate you being a spoiled brat who doesn’t see what’s best for them. I’m looking out for you here, taking care of you, something you apparently struggle with,” with that Steve gestures at the remnants of your breakfast, the one he had to make for you, “and all I expect in return is some gratitude, towards me and towards Bucky. This is not up for discussion. And if you can’t behave, you’ll have to deal with the consequences, young lady. Is that understood?” By the end of his speech, Steve has risen to his feet, towering over you, his voice booming to fill your apartment, while you cower into the sofa. Your breathing is shallow and you are petrified. It feels too much like last night. When you didn’t have a choice either. And everything he was saying was making sense. New York was dangerous. And you really were terrible at feeding yourself correctly… Those oat thingies were just the newest thing you were trying in your never-ending quest to live more healthily… Usually, your job took preference over clean living. And Bucky hadn’t done anything to you either. He’d just been there to watch out for you… Steve, well… Steve really had done that, but he also held you today, when your brain shut down and made you food. He could have just left you at work, where you surely would’ve gotten nothing done or even caused trouble if you fucked up your work…

Shakily you nod and watch some of the tension leave Steve’s body and he crouches down in front of you. “Good, I knew you were smart like that. Now we can either go have a bath and soothe your body or you can freak out again and then I swear I’ll make you bear the consequences of your behavior for real this time. So what’s it gonna be, princess?”

You stare at him for a second. How is he so rational? Why does this all make sense? Authority has always been your weakness, and so you just nod because what the Captain says goes, and you learned that the hard way, and let Steve lead you to the bathroom. Maybe you will get to lay in his arms again and hear him praise you. It felt so good when he held you on the couch. You were safe in his arms. All you want is to be back in his embrace. Where the harsh reality can’t hurt you. So you allow Steve to strip you down, as hot water pours into your tub.

Suddenly Steve’s grip on your hip tightens painfully, as yanks your jeans off of you. You look down, scared, and find him staring at the bruises you must have caused yourself in the shower this morning when you were trying to wash the night away. “What is this? Explain, now!” he seethes and turns his scorching gaze towards you.

“I, when I showered, I, I just wanted to get clean…” you stammer.

“Clean? Clean! You hurt yourself! Jeez! How dare you do something like that to yourself? I really can’t let you out of my sight for one second, can I? Gotta watch you like a little kid!”

You feel a pang in your heart. You weren’t trying to be bad! You want to tell Steve, but he just turns off the water, grabs your upper arm, and drags you from the bathroom into your bedroom. As you stumble after him, you try to figure out what is happening.

“Steve?” you plead as he sits down on the bed and puts you over his lap.

“No, darling, not anymore. I have been way too kind to you so far, but apparently, the nice approach doesn’t work with you. So discipline is what you get.” He thunders, and then his hand is hitting your bum with enough force to make you scream. It happened so fast that your head is spinning.

As you lie across his lap everything felt like it’s wrapped in cotton. So much skin-to-skin contact fries your over-worked and touch-starved brain into submission as Steve’s hand is raining down on your ass, painting it crimson. You burst into tears without any control over yourself. “Steve,” you sob, “Steve please, I didn’t mean to, I swear, Steve!” and just as those words leave your mouth, he stops, picks you up, and hugs you close. Your nerve endings sing at the close contact and you sag into him, all tension leaving your body. His hands draw soothing circles on your back as he holds you tight.

“I got you baby.” Steve whispers as he settles you on the bed, “I know that hurt, but I needed you to see, you know?”

You cry and nod, burrowing into his hulking form hovering over you.

“I’ll make it better baby, I’ll make it all good, now,” Steve murmurs, as he leans in to kiss your forehead, while his right hand comes down and starts to play with your clit. “Oh darling, look at you! You’re already wet for me, aren’t you?” Only then do you register the slick coating your thighs, embarrassed you want to turn from him, but Steve cages you in. “It’s okay babe, no reason to be shy about it. There is nothing wrong with wanting your man. Really, it just shows that you understand my discipline with you. I’m real proud of you, angel, real proud.” He mutters as he spreads your lips and slips two fingers in. You can’t help but moan and arch into him.

Steve is nothing but kind and soft with you as he readjusts both of your bodies until he sinks into your heat, and you both moan in unison. “There we go, darling. See how good I can be for you? There we go.” As he starts moving, slow and deep within you peace settles over you. “I’ll make you forget all that pain, babe, it’ll all be gone in just a minute now.” His fingers are rubbing circles around your clit while he keeps murmuring sweet encouragements into your ears as you climb and climb towards an orgasm that is so deep that it leaves you boneless in Steve’s arms until he finishes with a broken grunt deep inside of you. As Steve settles you in his arms after you can’t remember the last time you felt this sated, as you drift into a deep sleep with Steve’s spend slowly trickling out of you. For a split second, before you fall asleep the horror of what is happening to you is clear in your mind, but then, thankfully, once more your exhaustion pulls you under.